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Nani E

Just Being Me In this Big World

Risk for her Continued.

Nesmay left for school in hopes that her best friend Heather received her message regarding her rebellion plans from her mother.  Her best friend was free-spirited, had a mind of her own ,and a mouth no one could control. She was the only person she ever trusted and the ONLY person who saw her for the real her.  She was smacking her gum with a huge smile as she parked; which let her know she did in fact get the message.

“Girl I must say the new down due has you looking brand new. Now let’s get you out of that tooty good shoos outfit and into something umm what’s the word NORMAL!” . I laughed. She pulled out a bag with some faded blue Jeans, nude strappy wedges and a simple peach blouse.

” Okay Bitch you look HOT, maybe I should start running 5 miles every day haha”. I snickered.

” You should running does the body and mind good”.

” Girl you’d know I’d die, or end up eating a fatty cheeseburger after”.  I chuckled.

” Listen you’ll l be fine senior year is going to be your best year yet. I’ll see you at lunch can’t be late for first period bye boo”.  Heather strolled off as I made my way to my first period class.

“Move fucking idiot! You want me to pummel your ass to the locker”.  I looked over as soon as the kid hit the floor.  If this was going to be a new year i was going to interfere on this one.

” Get the Fuck Out of here Brock. Don’t you got something better to do?”.  His wicked eyes locked with mine.

” Since when does little miss perfect have a dirty mouth”.

” Leave before I tell Jason you disrespected me”.  I hated bringing Jason into the mix but everyone including Brock and me where fearful of him. And clearly Brock knew if he crossed Jason’s line he’d be the one on the ground.

” Hey sorry about him, he was out of line. What’s your name? I’m Nesmay”. I reached out to shake his hand and caught a glimpse of some nasty fresh bruises on his wrist, I was about to ask where the bruises came from however he quickly covered them from view, so I dismissed the question.

” I’m Elijah” he said in a high-strung tone as he was picking his books to prevent eye  contact. I knelt beside him

” Nice to meet you Elijah” I reached for his schedule as I took his appearance in.

The dark circles below his eyes informed me he either suffered from sleep apnea, or he was just very very tired. His cardigan was clearly a hand me down from some one who was 2 sizes bigger then him, his hair was chocolate-brown with small waves that hit his pale cheeks. But…his eyes where a turquoise blue a blue you’d only see in the clearest waters of the world, eyes that made you feel protected; which was really unusual for someone who just got shoved to the floor. Unfortunately he kept them hiden behind broken rused covered glasses.

I coughed surpirsed at my own thoughts.  ” It looks like you have 3rd period with me which is the last class before lunch, do you want to have lunch with me and my best friend?”.

ELIJAH

Why was she even talking to me, he’d always admired her from afar since freshmen year and here she was speaking to him so gently. Except Her hair was down, he’d never seen it down before. Soft dark curls that cascaded down to her back and those emerald colored eyes. The same eyes that made him feel like she knew everything about him even though she didn’t; he hoped to hell she never did because he’d never drag her down his path of sadness. He wasn’t a safe place for her and either she’d get hurt in the end or he would. Yet he couldn’t stop himself from agreeing “Sure”.

 

 

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Risk For her ( Start of Short Story)

foreast

Her thoughts where at in all time high this morning and an added extra miles to her usual morning run was just what she needed.  These runs through Portland Oregon’s remarkable woods brought on feelings of blissful freedom , it was also the one moment  during the day where she felt content from the perfect front she had to represent for her family. That one moment where  she could be herself and let her limbs loose, and her  mind break free from everything that lay ahead. Panting for breath she stopped and took on her surroundings, the perfect green of the leaves the swaying of the trees. Damn she wished to be the wind invisible.

You see on the outside Nesmay was perfectly poise and presentable at all times there was never a hair out-of-place, or a wrinkle on her clothes.  She wasn’t allowed to do anything else except be the arm candy to the son of the top CEO of the state. And even though she felt zero feelings for him, and took his verbal abuse she had grown so accustom too ,she couldn’t leave. Not when he threaten to get her Dad fired. Plus her mom would be an even more livid high social women that she already was.

After her run she was required to sit at the table for breakfast and be consumed by her mother’s presence. Todays rant from her mother was her usual rant when she wasn’t satisfied  with the maids food, and instead took it out on her.

” Nesmay have you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, your hair is a bird’s nest!”.  Senior year and nothing had changed with her.

” Yes mother I did clearly it doesn’t meet to your standards, I presume”. The glare came next.

” It’s senior year and looks are everything. Especially now that your relationship with Jason might lead to marriage in the future, and you can’t pass up that offer”. I nearly choked on my fruit.

” I need to be excused, actually I’ll excuse myself”.

Was she fucking serious!!! had she gone mad? Senior year and I was her dam puppet,and at age 17 I couldn’t do shit about it just yet. But what I wouldn’t  stand for was marrying that asshole that was the last straw!! things where going to slowly change this year. Today i would start with my stupid  hair.

The Guilty Mom

Before I jump into this I wanted to just address the simple fact that I respect mom’s that have the ability to stay home with their little ones, because that is a difficult and also  wonderful job.  It’s obviously an opportunity I would die to have at some point in my life.  But what most stay at home moms don’t understand is that us mothers who have to go work punish ourselves just about every day for not being there all 24 hours of the day.

It usually starts with  1.) I am a horrible mom 2.) I didn’t give my daughter/son enough time, and last the break down that I experienced about 10 minutes ago.  You see there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel guilty for not doing/giving all of me to my daughter . Sometimes she is to put it lightly , a headstrong little girl who throw’s Tantrums, and screams to the top of her lungs when she doesn’t get what she wants.  And yes I lose my shit and yell at her ,because I’ve tried every other alternative to calming her down.

Then there’s the part when you come home and  it doesn’t matter how exhausted you are, or the fact that  you got your lunch from noon still stuck between your teeth, or that your eyes are going to shut down that you then start cleaning. Because as a mother you just can’t help but let the Barbie doll shoes on the floor, or the crayons on the table go. You then start cooking because “hello” the  Family has to eat. Then there is the endless piles of laundry that never have an end too it (that alone is a full-time job it self) . Then bath time, reading time and by 8:30pm when she’s finally fallen asleep.  It hits you!

You look at that beautiful creation that God gave you and you suddenly feel like you’ve let him/her down.  That you didn’t give his precious Angel enough of you. You suddenly regret messing with the toys that will end up on the floor the next day anyways, or yelling at her because suddenly you feel like the worst person ever. Or that you put on her favorite show to keep her distracted while you cooked dinner.  You cry and cry and tell her your sorry for yelling, sorry for not giving her/him more time, You hug her/him kiss her/him and just want to hold them all night instead of put them in the crib.

The next morning you get home and suddenly…… She/He is running to the door with a huge smile on his/her face telling you she/he missed you and was asking for you through out the day as of nothing in the world was ever wrong.

You see we mothers will never be perfect, we will fail, and if it’s a good day we will still punish ourselves for not being better mothers. But get this that little boy or that little girl will still love you because even though you think you may not have given him/her time you really did!!. You kept them fed, clean, and you still had that last hour to read them a book or even just talk to them ❤

 

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